My story of PC gaming addiction really begins nearly thirty years ago, with arcade games, pinball machines and the early home video game consoles. I remember getting an Atari system for Christmas in the early eighties – was it 1981? – when that console cost nearly as much as the Xbox 360 does today, a staggering $289 twenty-seven years ago. And many of the ‘classic’ games retailed for upwards of fifty dollars each.
Not long after that, I won a Mattel Intellivision console in a Snicker’s bar contest, and I was hooked. For some reason, dozens of variations of Space Invaders on the Atari and the excitement of the Intellivision were never enough, and I spent every spare moment at local video arcades. This carried over into R-rated arcade games in my early 20′s when I left home and moved to Toronto.
Fast forward to 1999. I’m university-educated, about to be married and recently promoted at work. Gaming has been something of a constant companion throughout my life, but I haven’t owned a computer or console for a very long time. After graduating from university, I had occasional weekend Play Station ‘binges’ where I’d rent a console and play non-stop from Friday to Sunday. But my Internet access was extremely limited and I had no idea what I was about to get myself into.
My employer provided me with a brand new IBM Pentium 2 laptop in the summer of 1999, for “work,” naturally. I remember walking through a local mall, past a popular video game retailer, entertaining the idea of loading Quake 2 onto the laptop. I didn’t resist very long or very fiercely, and before long, I found myself playing obsessively.
I finally ‘beat’ the single player game at 4:30 am on July 24, 1999. Why such a vivid memory of that date? It was my wedding day; my puzzled, concerned father walked in at 4 am to find me bleary-eyed, determined to kill the Strogg boss. He gently but firmly reminded me that I had to get up at 7 am to get ready for the ceremony. I promptly dismissed him.
When I look at our wedding photos, I see two things. I see my beautiful bride, well-rested, at her very best for the happiest day of our lives. I also see my exhaustion from that night of fragging Stroggs. What a waste. Naturally, I remember the happiness of our wedding day, but my selfishness took something away from the joy of the occasion.
Early in 2001, the stress of my work took its toll on me and I was forced to take a medical leave of absence. I had a golden opportunity to refocus, take stock of my life and refresh for the ongoing challenges of my job. Unfortunately, I had convinced myself and my wife that we needed to switch from dial-up to broadband Internet access, and I spent weeks sequestered in our basement playing Counterstrike.
Not long after this, I discovered Anarchy Online, and this was the beginning of the end of my career. As the stress got worse, my gaming got more and more severe, from an hour or two a day to eight or more. Ultimately, I was forced to leave my job and began gaming as much as twelve hours a day.
I made half efforts at working and job retraining, but failed or couldn’t bring myself to hold a job for more than a few weeks. I always found a new excuse. The job was below my skill level. I was experiencing panic attacks. I promised I would look for something better soon. Now I realize that I was simply making subconscious or conscious excuses to get back into my gaming lifestyle eighty hours a week.
I think I quit playing my favourite online game about eight times. As my first online role-playing game, Anarchy Online seems to have been the hardest to quit. Each time, I was done for good! That was it, no more starting again with new characters, fighting my way through the newb areas, the Subway, the Temple, Shadowlands, token farming, joining a clan etc.
I realize now I never really quit before because I was never really into recovering from this addiction. I quit because I felt a superficial guilt over my behaviour, or just got bored with the routine and wanted to try a new MMO or online 3D shooter experience. In fact, I’ve done Beta, trial and paid subscriptions for about a dozen or more MMO’s, and probably about as many other games playable online on my PC.
This addiction has cost me so much more than I can ever quantify, but when I finally stopped buying accounts, game currency and new computer hardware upgrades last year after being online for about nine years, I had $23,000 dollars in debt on my credit cards. You see, my hardworking wife left for work early in the morning, and I would go to a local computer store and buy all new components – motherboard, video card, RAM, CPU – and rebuild the inside of the PC without her knowledge. This went on for ages, whenever I needed a new ‘fix,’ usually when a new high-end MMO was being released.
I found the Online Gamers Anonymous website in March of 2003 in the short-term guilt state I just mentioned. I was an early member of OLGAnon, but couldn’t hold it together, because I had not really admitted my helplessness to myself and God. (Step One of the Twelve Steps). In my heart, I wanted to release those guilt feelings, get my wife off my back, and let the ‘good times’ roll.
Those ‘good times’ nearly killed me. I found myself addicted to gaming, but also to online pornography and prescription anti-anxiety/sleeping pills. Last December, I couldn’t live with myself anymore. The crushing guilt of my addiction was destroying my spirit. But rather than own up to what I’d done, I took a massive overdose of my sleeping pills and woke up in the hospital.
I spent the week before Christmas committed in a local psychiatric facility, facing my ‘crisis of truth.’ With God’s help, I faced ‘interventions’ from both sides of our family and was discharged on Christmas Eve. Mercifully, I am still married, and working to repair shattered trust and recover my real life. President Franklin Roosevelt once said, “Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.” This addiction, these games, are not worth losing our lives, families and hope. They are temporal images on a screen that we have allowed to control us for too long.
Our God, our Higher Power, those who love us, want to help set us free from the dancing images on the screen. But we have to make the decision to turn our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him. (Step Three of the Twelve Steps).
If you’re a hardcore gamer reading this, think for a moment of the people in your life who want so much to see and know more than the back of your head. Is your gaming in the way? Don’t feel bad; you may be suffering from a serious addiction. Today is the day you can break free. Before you dismiss this, consider that I’ve played the same games as you, sometimes 8 to 12 hours a day, seven days a week, for the past eight or nine years. I know what you’re feeling. I know the anxiety, the fear, the guilt, the arguments you have with your wife or girlfriend about your gaming.
Today is the day you can break free. Call someone you trust and talk about your struggle. Talk about how you can take back your life.
Tags: Addiction, computer games, online gaming addiction, Recovery
[...] essay, “Are Video Games Sinful?” This was written in October 2008 in response to my story of addiction, which I had published here at [...]
[...] This is a pretty interesting article, and something that I can identify with. This fellow is a Christian who is addicted to online games. To some this sounds absolutely silly, like something from a Seinfeld episode. Are you kidding me? Who would be addicted to a video game? But these are the same people who can’t imagine being addicted to anything at all. There are those of us who understand addiction all too well, and this simply makes sense. [...]
I am so sorry for you for having to go through this. Please know that in no way you are responsible for his addiction. You had no way of knowing your husband might be more vulnerable to this game due to his depression and possible “Aspergers”.
Sadly his work makes dealing with this very hard. There are no clear solutions here for the two of you how to deal with this.
But it is never to late, tell him that. He can fix what is broken if he is willing and able to work on it, not just the gaming but also the reasons why he got there. Like Brad suggested you might want to visit http://www.olganon.org (Online Gamers Anonymous). Not just to help your husband but also for your support. This addiction doesn’t only effect and hurts your husband but you too.
Wow, what an incredible story! Thanks for registering for my web site and for sharing your experience. I hope you’ll keep coming back. You may also want to visit http://www.olganon.org (Online Gamers Anonymous) for help and support.
I’ve been reading your site for a few weeks now and had to register before I could comment after joining. THANK YOU exgamer! For sharing your story from a first hand POV. Especially from the gamer addicts’ side of things. ALso THANKS to Maschina! You are fighting dual stereotypes here too! You are both standing up IN FRONT of a long and growing line of folks who are reeling in shock and dismay at what just happened to wreck their real lives and turn everything on its ear. Gaming obsessions and cyber relations are like lit short fuses on our already troubled existence. At the risk of ‘demonizing’ gaming- and online activity- I am speaking as someone who descended into realms I wouldnt dream of -in real life- simply because I wanted to find and reach out to my already addicted husband. So I am speaking from the experience of a gamer wanna be- and a spouse of a loved one who almost let his in world ‘relations’ detroy his chances of having a real life relationship! Hard to define much less explain – what makes it so easy to ignore that really tough question. What makes the virtual world so much more attractive than have a good real life?
Its easier – not as difficult- to be ‘perfect’ to be ‘liked’ to have seeming ‘intimate’ relations with ‘dream personalities’ no real world distractions or human ‘flaws’ to consider. It becomes easier and easier to think of the fantasy world as your preferred ‘real world’. It becomes TOO easy to dump all the pain and troubles you have inside yourself into the ‘real world ‘ and leave them ignore them and escape into ‘wonderland’.
My story: I am currently ‘recovering’ my self esteem my own self worth and my own life and love back after finding my relationship with my husband of 10 years was being destroyed by in game sex relationships that had started out as ‘just gaming’ relationships. It all happened so shockingly fast that I think we both became swept into a speed of light drama without even realizing how far out of control it had gotten.
I even went so far as to INVITE him into a VW game called Second Life,..thinking that it would bring us closer together if we played together! I was SO wrong! The harder I tried being with him the meaner and more rejecting he became. His anger was a thin mask to cover his guilt- because he had already crossed into real life relations [via phone sex and chat] with several of his ‘game freinds’. To give you an idea of how viscious this got- he became an entirely different person in game- yes, there was the sense of “hey I can be whatever i want and people LIKE ne here- and ‘its harmless escapism – because it means nothing to me/him other than that” but there was quickly a deterioration to a darker more malevolent persona that came to reside in my husbands avatars – AND in my husbands real life personality towards me -which shocked and scared me and to which he was oblivious to at first but later it became obvious to his other playmates – who – in their own visciously insecure way- made sure that I knew he was ‘seeing’ them for more than just ‘dancing and flirting’. He is overseas and blamed is snap anger on the stress of work [he is in Bagdhad -4th year] and on top of all the other reasons war zone work is hell on relationships and mental health – this game was quickly becoming the most dangerous to our marraige.
I became more desperate to save our marriage and sadly thought the only way to reach him was to become whatever he wanted me to be in game! I wont detail the depravity I considered,..I started to realize how insane this all was when I found myself crying all the time and not sleeping anymore. He was abusing me in cyber world! He’d then feel terrible and avoind me, not communicate with me for days – and of course because of where he is it drove me nuts woth worry.
It became a sort of public on line humiliation and an outrageous display of hurtfulness and rejection and denial. He finally realized how horribly he was treating me and others and quit the game quite suddenly and entirely – but didnt fess up to anything until after basically leaving me in the game- and I had to confront him about US. I’d already become aware of the others and now wanted to know if this waswhat he wanted? I finally told him he had to tell me if he wanted to be with me anymore – he was going to have to come clean about what happened and he was going to have to convince me all over again – that hewanted to be with me. He was going to have to seek therapy for the root problems that he brought into the game and our relationship long before the online addiction manifested. he said he would. Although he has been trying and it has been returning, he still hasnt sought therapy.
I cannot describe what this has done to me. I am seeing a therapist and he has since professed to me that he loves me and cannot forgive himself for what he has done. He says he hates himself so much that he fears he cannot change this. I question if he cant love himself – how can he claim to love me? He realizes this but insists that I am his only freind and love. He claims that the weird ‘sexual frenzy’ he went through just pointed out to him how meaningless it all felt and how he couldnt be satisfied by anyone else anyway- which seemsed to make him want to do it even more! I’m really trying to underatnad all this but frankly my head is in top spin mode!
He cant really explain anything though and prefers to just want to avoid it and ‘move on’ and although I really want nothing more than to be with him and trust him again- I’m finding it impossible to “just move on”. I fear that he is not acknoleging what addiction is- I fear this will be just ‘until the next time’ and I honestly cant handle another ‘next time’! I have nightmares about this now and I dont want to harp on him – but I feel like he will never be in control of his life or love himself and forgive himself [and therefore be ABLE to love me or anyone] untl he sees a therapist and work out some of his OTHER problems.
I even found licensed counsellors who will conference call with you no matter where you are! So far he hasnt even called them.
He has always been emotionally limited and we have a challenging relationship anyway because his work takes him far away all the time [he has been in Iraq for 4 years!] He loves his work but it is hell on us. HE was home for a year and I really had hoped whe would find something stateside. Iw as willing to go anywhere. He couldnt though and in this economy it is not surprising – but it put him into such a deep state of depression that I think thats when he began going online and ‘escaping’ – even as I was working myself ragged to support us both – I kept trying to get him to spend this time together and ENJOY what we did have- knowing that we wouldnt have the time together when he went back to work. He steadfastly and often angrily refused my every invitation. it got to where i withdrew into myself and reisgned myself to being married to someone who didnt even like me! I wondered how long we would stay together. He kept telling me that it was the fact that he couldnt enjoy anything knowing that he wasnt providing for me and us, and knowing that I was working so hard at a dead end job made it worse for him. He was letting the depression eat him up. He was refusing to enjoy life and it was hurting us both. I felt abandoned and if I even mentioned this he would fly into a rage and threaten to jsut leave -as if that is what I wanted. But refused to seek help. Saying it will cost money we dont have! I have always been very supportive and happy that he is doing what he loves and I was happy and confident to be ‘on my own’ in a sense while he worked offshore – yet feeling good about being “with” Paul and knowing he was as faithful to me- as I was to him-and our dreams– made it all bearable. I thought we were happy! But he took the depression and the gaming and the adulterous affairs online with him to his new job. Thats when I really noticed how far gone he was. We had become married in name only. He no longer wrote me. He acted annoyed if i emailed him and asked about his day. He avoided me in game even though I could see he was “there” somewhere. if I looked for him and found him in game- he was always with another woman- who would quickly ‘leave’ after a few mysterious comments. If I asked him about them he’d fly into a rage and call me names for even ‘suspecting’ what he was doing with them. Meanwhile- I was getting IMs from some of these wenches who obviously took great delight in stirring up relationships online! I’m a fairly strong and confident person – but this began to eat away at me and I became a shadow of a person in real life as well as in game. It was horrible.
But after this last few months miserable out of control philadnering under my nose- all while I was desperately trying to BE there in game with him- it now has me in a tailspin of numbed out fear and hopelessness. Which now is leading to fits of uncontrollable crying and rage. I alternate between hating him and loving him – and apologizing to him for MY role in getting him into this game!
He has NEVER displayed ANY addictive type behavior before in his entire life!
He doesnt drink, smoke, or even like to watch sports! He’s always been into computer games [ not multi player] and I often felt he played them too much instead of doing something in “real life’ he’s never liked socializing in the normal sense- not even with family- which led to me offering to join him in this virtual world game. You see, after many years together I noticed that Paul was indeed a bit ‘different’ from most folks and I discovered that his little ‘quirks’ fit perfectly with a little known type of autism called ‘aspergers’ – we both read up on it and he and I often laughed about it thinking that this explained a whole bunch of little hang ups and social problesm he had always suffered with as “just him”. Even his Mom agreed that he might have this as he came from a large family and they always hought he was a bit ‘off’ but his development was normal in every way and he is VERY intelligent- just quirky socially!
What I also found out was that the virtual world game [Second Life] itself was founded and developed by folks who ALSO have aspergers! It turns out that gaming and cyber interactives is something aspergers people are particularly good at. it involves a level of human socializing and interaction that is much more comfortable for those who have this than face to face real world interaction does. I was elated to discover this! Finally a social activity that we could share and enjoy! Well – it never became that and in fact – became the near death of us as a couple and as freinds.
Curiously I’ve been the one with previous substance abuse addiction problems [which i got myself off of without help from anyone or thing BUT 'locating my own "higher power" and validating it. ] And I have never found myself becoming obsessed with the virtual world gaming – EXCEPT when it came to finding out what my husband was doing in there! So we both wound up getting shredded in real life by our in world antics!
My therapist says I became addicted to HIM… and that I need to focus on getting my sense of self back. I know she is right – but I fear that Paul will not tolerate my ‘absence’ well because I have also become his ‘confidant’ and lifeline to the real world- since it is impossible for him to seek therapy support while he is over there. It would guarantee the loss of his job- unfair as it sounds – its the reality of working in a hostile war zone environment. If they have any hint tht he is unstable they will simply fire him. I understand this – but really wish he would at least take advantage of calling one of the professionals who offer phone service therapy- we have skype – which means its a video phone system and it is ideal since he is on it already and we could conference call sessions as a couple also.
WHat an uncharted territory! Ive since spent hours and days researching this phenomena online and in reading. It is so new and yet it is so rapidly expanding in scope and extreme trauma. I feel lucky to have gotten out of it so quickly – and I am really grateful HE saw it for himself and did it on his own. But i am worried he has gone ‘cold turkey’ without any safewty nets in place. WE have at least two more long years of seperation for work ahead of us. WE only see each other on R&Rs. This has been fine in the past because we kept communication open wherever he was. But this time I am truly worried. I am frightened I beleive because I truly didnt realize how far gone he was until very recently. I thought I knew him and I didnt! He went to great leangths to hie this from me and deny it. He was TOO good at this and so I fear he can do it again.
Where to begin now? He knows it is going to take a lot of time and effort- but he hasnt got a clue how to begin either. I realize now,that it isnt my job to ‘fix’ him -it is HIS. He seems to truly want to fix whats broken AND he wants to learn how to be a better more loving person and husband. But in the same breath he says he doesnt feel like there is much hope for him ever becoming this, because ‘its too late’ or “he cant put his mind to it while he is over there working’. This sounds like a cop out to me! but im holing back from saying anything as I dont want to appear ungrateful for what he is trying to do- I just feel he is setting himself up for more failure and we will back to the old situation in no time and he will not fight it next time.
We both know how much work is ahead, but I feel like we are at a standstill because of his work and location! What can be done from this distance:? Money isnt a factor right now. WE can certainly afford some sessions to help him survive and grow more confident. I feel like it is my only hope for ever getting him back in my life.
Thank you for visiting ExGamer.net. I appreciate how anxious and worried you must feel. I’m going to send you a quick email with some advice.
Thanks,
Brad
This site is very encouraging in the sense that the awareness of such things is out there, but also very scary to me in the sense that this is actually possible! I have a boyfriend who I know plays World of Warcraft and Ultima Online. I am not even sure if they are related and really know nothing about them.
I never grew up playing video games but it was the opposite for him. I am a woman with a strong Christian faith and this past Summer he addmitted to me that he thought he was addicted to video games. I always knew he played and that I didn’t necessarily agree but did not realize the seriousness of it or that he was actually addicted. To hear him admit that was really hard but also very encouraging b/c like you said I think the first step is to admit your addiction and realizing it yourself. I strongly believe God did a great work in him and had opened up his eyes b/c he had opened up his heart to God.
But now I am concerned again that his still struggles with the addiction. He has been really short with me lately and has no desire to talk things through with me or discuss our lives or future together. I am quick to think that video games may have something to do with this. This past week I confronted him about it and just tried to ask him if he still played or how he felt about it. He said yes I still do but I don’t think it affects us at all. I believe it has a huge affect on our relationship and find myself stuck not knowing what to do. It’s hard for me to know what he is going through if he is still addicted. I want to believe him that it doesn’t affect us, but at the same time his actions show me differently, unless there is something else going on with him I do not know about. I want to be able to help him, but I know he has to be willing.
What would be your advice of how I should handle this situation? I think it would be helpful to hear from someone who has gone through it. Thanks.
Thanks ex gamer, you are right, each day is an opportunity to make a deposit in the bank of trust and love and I do.
I am indeed seeing very clear now the joy again in the changes I have made and it is amazing to be able to find happiness again in ordinary daily things and I hope the same goes for you. A few months ago I really believed I would never find that again, while still gaming I couldn’t find any joy in real life anymore.
Never did I realize that it was the mindset from the gaming that made me feel that way.
I think excessive gaming/internet use is a mayor problem these days in many families and the world needs to know and realize this. Far to many families and (ex) gamers struggle with this and have hardly any professional help. There are to few counselors who recognize this compulsion or even are able to help.
So little people understand what certain games can do to a person. How it changes your mindset and the way you think, act and feel. A game can change a person in ways beyond understanding, leading to total with drawl from real life and loved ones.
We live in a time where computers are a mayor part of our daily lives and are used for all kind of things. I am not against the use of computers or playing games now but I strongly feel there should be more awareness about the dangers and the consequences of excessive use.
I’m so glad you’re here, and I appreciate that you’ve come forward as a woman struggling with this issue. It’s true we’ve been focused too much on this as a men’s issue, but if I haven’t expressed this to you already, I do regard you as a sister in this struggle.
Congratulations to you in your recent victories, and in the renewals you have seen in your married life. These are no small triumph; I trust you are starting to see the joy in the positive decisions you have made.
True, the addiction causes suffering, but when the prodigal returned, his father had a feast in his honour. From what I know of your story, your husband is rejoicing in having you back. Time will continue to heal the wounds caused by our compulsive gaming. I think of each day as an opportunity to make a deposit in a bank of trust and love. Perhaps you will find this helpful.
How about fighting with your husband? Maybe not many people realize that it is not just teenagers or men who can be excessive gamers?
I am a woman and I have played WoW for almost two years and in the last year in increasing excessive ways. I never realized till recently a game could have such an influence on people. I never had problems with any games I have played in the years before. But these MMORPG’s are different.
At the moment I am taking back my life and I plan to keep it this time. In some ways I think I was lucky cause I “only” played excessive for 1 year and not many, but then again once addicted you hurt the ones around you, whether it is 1 year or 3…
I can only hope time will erase some of the pain I caused my husband while neglecting him cause I choose to be in a virtual world instead of the real one.